Winter Break Blues

In a previous post or two, I mentioned that I live with my grandmother and my great grandfather. I also believe I mentioned that my great grandfather had not been doing well. That was a difficult time for me at the end of the summer and all of last semester. Everything happened so quickly, I wasn’t sure how to process it all, then suddenly the semester started and my classes were difficult and I felt like I had no one to turn to. I felt completely alone and depressed, useless and helpless. I didn’t know what to do; I felt stuck. Last semester was definitely the worst semester I’ve had in my entire school career.

My trich also wasn’t doing too well. I haven’t been formally diagnosed with depression, but at this point I was more and more certain that I have it. I had no motivation. At the very end of the semester, my great grandpa got really sick, and no one thought he would make it much longer. He battled with pneumonia for a little while, but amazingly pulled through somehow. Unfortunately, after two healthy weeks with him, he did pass, but quietly and peacefully. It was in the middle of my finals week. I had just finished a final and was in my friend’s dorm room, and a bunch of us were just having fun and coloring and not thinking about all the other finals we had coming up. I got a phone call from my dad, which never happens. He asked me when he needed to pick me up and where, things I had already talked to him about. Then he just sprung it on me out of nowhere; “Grandpa died. Granny just told us. We don’t know about the funeral or anything yet.” I had to do everything in my power not to break down right then and there in front of all of my friends. I calmly told them I had to leave and went straight to my apartment, which was thankfully empty. I didn’t know what to do. I needed to talk to someone, but the only person I had any desire to talk to was my boyfriend, who couldn’t talk at the time. So I just sat down at my desk and cried.

The wake was the day after I got home and the funeral was the next day. It wasn’t exactly the greatest start to winter break, but I got to see a lot of family members I don’t usually get to see. After that, I moved back in with my grandma. That was hard because she insisted I stay in my grandpa’s old room and because I had to help her go through all of his stuff; paperwork, clothes, etc. I wasn’t quite ready for that, but I had to stay strong for her.

Break did get better after that. I got to spend a lot of time with my wonderful boyfriend. Christmas was good and we had a small New Year’s Eve party with his family, which was a lot of fun. He also got me a beautiful record player for Christmas, and I am loving it.

I am determined to make this semester a better one. I am considering transferring to a school closer to home next year, so that is part of why I want to make the best out of this semester. It might be the last one I have here with the few friends I do have here. I still haven’t decided what will be best for me, but hopefully God will show me the way soon.

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