Have to Stay Strong…

Stress and anxiety are major triggers for me. I lose the most hair when I am stressed out.

Summer is supposed to be a time to relax. I’m not supposed to be stressed. But I am. I have been most of the summer.

I took a math class that I wasn’t supposed to take but they wouldn’t let me take the one I needed so I had to take the lower one and I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to finish my math classes on time. I suck at math so all of this nonsense just makes it all even more stressful. I hate math and just with I didn’t have to be taking it anymore. But I have so much more to go. Ugh.

After I finished my math, I thought things would be better. Wrong.

My great-grandpa went to the hospital earlier this week. After spending literally all day cooking, my grandma came into the kitchen while I was cleaning up and doing dishes and told me that she didn’t know if he would be coming home. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I could tell she was holding back tears. She probably had been all day.

I have to stay strong. My grandma has depression and I know that everything that has been going on for her and my great-grandpa has been really hard on her. I don’t know what to do. I feel bad and wish I could do more. I feel bad that I will be leaving her to go back to school in a couple weeks. All I know is that I have to stay strong for her, for my family, and for myself.

Please send positive thoughts, good vibes, and prayers our way. ❤

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App Review (This one is for the ladies)

Alright, men, you might not want to read this post.

Yesterday I downloaded an app called Period Tracker. The name is pretty self-explanatory. I’ve only had it for a day, so I can’t really say yet how accurate it is, but it is very detailed yet user friendly.

What you do is put in what day you start your period, and you can add notes and symptoms, and put in what day you finish, and the app predicts when you will start your next period, when you will be most fertile, and what day you will ovulate. As you add more information over the months, I imagine it gets more and more accurate.

I have had a bit of trouble with it freezing up and not responding, but I think that’s just my stupid crappy phone.

If I continue to use this app, I will try to remember to post another review on it after several months.

“What is Wrong with Me?”

“I really need to stop (but I can’t) I need to stop… (just one more) I’m going to end up pulling out half my hair (just one more) what is wrong with me… I need to stop… (but I can’t… why does it feel so good)… OK. I need to stop. NOW. (no) yes (no) now (just one more) What is wrong with me?”

Trich is an endless cycle. An endless battle. A roller coaster with more ups and downs than all of 6 Flags.

Sometimes, almost all the time, it just feels hopeless. I feel helpless. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who to turn to. No one can help. I’m fighting a losing battle, all alone. I’ll never have my thick hair back. I’ll never be able to experiment with all the beautiful hair trends going around today.

It shouldn’t be this hard. I just wish I could stop.

Hello Followers!

I just want to give a shout-out to all my lovely followers! Thank you so much for following my blog and joining me on my journey. I am going to try my best to start posting more often now that I’m done with my summer class, and before I head back to school full time. Something I would love to see is interaction and activity. I would love to see more comments and likes. I would love to hear suggestions from you for posts. Please don’t be shy! I would love to get to know you all on some level. I try my best to follow all of my followers, but if you followed me and I didn’t follow you back, just let me know, and I will! Thanks again for following me! I hope to hear from some of you soon 🙂

Don’t Know What to Do…

I live with my grandmother and her father, my 94 year old great-grandfather. I live with them so that I can help them out. I do the shopping, cleaning, general errand-running, and drive them to doctor’s appointments. They both use walkers to get around and have a pretty hard time walking. My great-grandpa is very forgetful, can’t see or hear very well, and gets confused, lost, and disoriented very easily, especially at night. Usually when he gets up in the middle of the night, my grandma takes care of him, and I help her when I hear him. He has very vivid dreams and they really upset him sometimes and then he doesn’t know what is real and what isn’t, so we usually have to explain that he just had a dream and that everything is fine and that he’s home with us, and he eventually settles down and goes back to bed. Earlier this week, things started getting worse for him. Monday afternoon, my grandma was trying to help him and she ended up falling, which is especially bad for her because she has very severe arthritis and has collapsed discs in her back and has had several back surgeries and has had both of her knees replaced. She is already in constant pain, sometimes so bad, even with strong medications, that she can hardly get out of bed. Falling just made everything worse and she was in bed for a few days straight. I told my mom that things weren’t going well, and she called my great-uncle, my grandma’s brother, who was a nurse and still works in the medical field. He is extremely knowledgeable and helpful. He came over for a couple days to help out, and he talked with my grandma about options for helping my grandfather.

He used to get physical therapy, so they decided starting that again would be beneficial. They also decided to hire a nurse to come in at night. She comes in at 7 pm and stays until 7 am. I really haven’t been told much, which is really annoying and frustrating, but from what I’ve gathered, she is here to help my great-grandpa walk around and go to the bathroom when he needs it, talk to him and help him at night when he gets lost and confused, help keep his bathroom and the kitchen clean, make his morning coffee and his breakfast, help him get dressed in the morning, make his bed, and do dishes and laundry as needed.

She is here tonight, currently. I haven’t really heard much at all up until about 20 minutes ago. My grandpa got up to go to the bathroom, and she came to help him. He asked her if he was going to live here for the rest of his life, and she said yes, probably. He then asked when he could go home, so she told him that he was home. He said that he wanted to see his family, and she said that they were here, but they are sleeping. He then said to her that his blood family wasn’t here and that he wanted to see them. She told him that they were but he would have to wait until morning to see them. He got upset at that. They talked for another minute, but I couldn’t really hear much. I think she convinced him that everything is fine and got him back to bed. The whole time I heard them, I didn’t know what to do. Normally, I would have gone upstairs to help him and calm him down, but I didn’t know if I should, and I don’t really feel comfortable around this nurse yet. I don’t know her. I also know my grandma is paying a lot of money for her help. But I knew that him seeing me probably would have helped. I wish now that I had gone up there, but I just didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right.

I’m not good at making decisions, ever, especially split second ones. I wish I could be more helpful. Maybe next time, I’ll know what to do…

Go Cards!

baseballbaseballbaseballbaseballbaseball

I’m watching the Cardinals play the Brewers at Busch on Fox Sports Midwest. What. A. Game. It started off with the Brewers scoring a run within the first 10 minutes, and I had almost lost all hope immediately, because the Cards haven’t been playing their best lately. Then all faith was restored by a home run by Kolten Wong. GO KOLTEN WONG. This game has just been a roller coaster with a lot of absolutely fantastic UPS for the Cardinals. I AM LOVING THIS.

Currently bottom of the fifth, STL 9-5 MIL.

LET’S GO CARDS!